Tangled: Emerson Falls, Book 1 Page 27

  “Okay, let’s start with the anger. Who are you angry at?”

  “T.J. for coming back and ruining what I had with Olivia.”

  “But did he ruin it?” She asks, reaching for her pen and the pad of paper again.

  “What do you mean? He was there to see her, but I’m not sure why. I don’t even know what happened after I left.”

  “Exactly. You don’t know exactly why he was there, but does that change how you feel about Olivia?”

  I clench my jaw as I realize I know the answer to that question with no hesitation.

  “No, it doesn’t change how I feel about her.”

  She nods and urges me to continue. “So what about the betrayal?”

  “I just feel like he fucking betrayed me again. He slept with the last woman I loved, and now this one too.”

  “But he slept with her before she was with you, Kane. And you didn’t meet her until after they were together. Is there a way they could have managed to put that connection together?”

  I shake my head. “It’s not likely,” which is what I’ve been trying to convince myself of since that night. She never uttered his name and I never thought in a million years that T.J. would have been in northern California.

  “Okay, what about the fear? What are you afraid of?”

  I run my fingers through my hair and brush my clammy palms down my pants. “I’m afraid I’ve lost her. I’m afraid she’ll go back to him and I’ll lose yet another woman because of his selfish acts.” My voice is beginning to choke as I finally say all the fears out loud.

  “Okay. But did she say that?”

  “Say what?”

  “That you lost her? That she’s going back to him?”

  I think back as the night replays in my mind. “No, she didn’t, but mostly since I didn’t give her the chance to. She seemed just as confused as I did that we all were connected.”

  “And the hurt?” She presses again, calmly but firmly, directing me to keep talking.

  I hear my breath catch in my throat and the sting of tears come forward. “My chest fucking aches. I’m so afraid to lose her because the pain I’m feeling right now is the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced—worse than when he ripped apart my life the first time, believe it or not. I’m hurt because the future I saw with Olivia is somehow tainted by my past, and I wanted so badly for those two things to be separate. There was supposed to be “before Olivia” and “after Olivia”,” I say while weighing my hands in the air, “Not this weird limbo where those two parts of my life are tied together with a string. I guess I just feel like my past is doomed to repeat itself—T.J. playing his part in it again.”

  She scribbles a few notes on her paper before setting it down and facing me again. “That is a legitimate fear, Kane, given what you’ve experienced. But let me ask you this—who are most of those feelings directed towards? T.J. or Olivia?”

  And when she says that, it finally hits me. The truth I needed to see, the clarification that I knew this appointment would help me find.

  It’s not Olivia I’m mad at. The fury I feel is not directed towards her, yet she’s the one who’s paying the price right now. She’s the one I’ve been ignoring, not giving her a chance to reassure me that I’m the man she wants to be with. I haven’t given her that opportunity because I’ve been too pumped with anger and fear to hear what she has to say.

  “T.J., obviously,” I answer as Dr. Martinez nods.

  “Exactly. Your feelings are completely justifiable, but you need to remember who they’re directed towards. And I hate to break it to you, but rarely in life can we avoid the connection between our past and our present. There’s usually some experience before that leads us to the one we’re living in, a tangled mess of interwoven plot lines and people. This woman obviously means a lot to you, and you don’t want to ruin things with Olivia because you’re mad at T.J. Plus, I think you owe it to her to hear her side of the story.”

  I let out a long exhale as the tightness of my chest dissipates and regret takes over.

  “Fuck,” I mumble.

  “Kane, I really wish…” she pauses and then takes a deep breath. “You know what, I can’t chastise you for using that word when I don’t blame you. FUCK!” She exclaims, throwing her hands in the air, which makes my entire body bounce with laughter.

  “God, it’s crazy what processing that all out loud can do, Doc,” I say as the adrenaline runs dry in my veins now.

  “Exactly. Once we’re able to take a step back and assess what’s really causing the anxiety, we no longer give it power. Or at least, we give it less power. Living with this anger and anxiousness you feel may never completely go away. But you did the right thing by calling, Kane. I’m proud of you and I’m rooting for you and Olivia. Watching you transform into a man who opened his heart again has been a pleasure to witness. Please don’t let her pass you by. You can move past this, I know you can.”

  Even though I hate to admit it, Dr. Martinez’s words make my eyes well as a tear cascades down my cheek. Yes, I’m crying, but fuck… the past two days have sliced my heart and confidence in two. I told myself I would never care again, that I would never open myself up to the possibility to be hurt like I was before.

  But my chest is wide open, and although this turn of events stings, I don’t want to close myself off again because I know I would lose Olivia in the process. She’s the woman I’m meant to be with, the one with the key to my heart. The only way I’ll close myself up again is by her hands, because she’s the only one that I want to let inside.

  “Three years ago, I never thought I would get to the point I am today, where I finally feel at peace again. I never thought the idea of falling in love would cross my mind again after what Natasha and T.J. did. But you’ve helped me change my life, Doc. There aren’t enough words to thank you.”

  Dr. Martinez’s lip trembles through a smile, but she doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t have to. She looks at me with pride, which is enough for me—the woman has transformed my life. We both stand and give each other a heartfelt hug as I promise to check in with her soon once the dust has settled.

  While driving back home, this intense wave of exhaustion hits me from the lack of sleep over the past few days and the adrenaline leaving my body. I make my way inside and head straight for bed, giving myself the permission to gather some energy, calm down, and put myself back together before making things right with Olivia. I want to make sure I am confident that I can move past this and explain my reaction clearly before I see her.

  When I wake from my nap, it’s late in the afternoon, the sunset blinding my eyes from between the curtains I accidently left open, and my appetite has returned. Trudging into the kitchen, I search for sustenance before I realize I have no food. So I fire up my truck and head into town. Since going to the grocery store on an empty stomach is not a good idea, I pull into the parking lot of Penny’s Diner, deciding to eat before I restock my fridge.

  The classic 50s diner transports you back in time with bright red booths, teal walls with giant black records painted on them, and chrome details along every surface. I glide over to a seat at the counter as a waitress greets me. Since I get the same thing every time I come here, I give her my order and wait for my food while sipping my iced tea and checking my phone.

  There aren’t any new messages or missed calls from Olivia, but there is one from Drew. I’m sure he’s just trying to be a good friend, but I’m still not ready to talk to anyone yet. I know the only person I need to talk to is Olivia, but I need to get my head on straight. I need to make sure the words I want to say to her are clear and not misconstrued. As I start toying around with my speech in my head, a familiar voice comes up behind me.

  “Hey, Kane,” the timid rumble of T.J.’s voice startles me as I turn and take him in. His dark hair is a mess and the bags under his eyes indicate his lack of sleep and distress.

  My jaw clenches tight and my heart jump starts while the distance between us closes as he
takes a seat next to me. I don’t speak; I don’t react—because if I do, it’s going to undo all the calm I finally found just a few hours earlier.

  “I know I’m probably the last person you want to see right now,” T.J. breaks the silence, turning on his stool to face me. The waitress comes over at this moment to deliver my food, but I never acknowledge her face to face.

  “Thank you,” I say to her from the corner of my mouth, my eyes still locked on my ex-best friend.

  “But I’m actually glad I ran into you. I’m… I just stopped for a meal before I hit the road again.”

  “What do you need, T.J.? Haven’t you done enough damage in my life?” I finally manage to say even though my body is vibrating with my rapid pulse.

  “I owe you a long overdue apology, Kane. I’m so sorry for the way things happened with Natasha. There’s no excuse to justify what I did.” His eyes plead with me for forgiveness as he waits for my response, but I remain silent.

  “And I swear, I had no idea that you knew Olivia. Hell, I didn’t even know you lived in Emerson Falls,” he says, sitting up taller now.

  “I moved here after I left home. I wanted a fresh start and they needed a history teacher.”

  “Seems like a great place to live and raise a family in.”

  I nod. “It is.” And that’s what I want for me and Olivia. “I still don’t understand how you ended up in California though…”

  “Well, after everything happened with Natasha, I had to leave. My parents couldn’t even look at me, I lost my best friend, and I had nothing keeping me in our town any more. My uncle owns a winery down there and offered me a job and a fresh start, so I took it. I met Olivia while she was on a wine tour with some of her friends.”

  I shake my head. Fucking figures he would get the chance to start over and ruin it like he does to pretty much everything.

  “I’m sorry I hurt you, Kane. I’m sorry that I wrecked your relationship and our friendship… but I’m glad to see you happy, at least—I guess you were before I came back here…”

  I huff. “Yeah, I fucking was. Let me ask you something,” I say, feeling more bold now to put him in his place. “How on Earth could you cheat on a woman like Olivia? When she told me her ex was unfaithful to her, I couldn’t imagine any man that had her could be that fucking stupid.”

  T.J. hangs his head now, his eyes staying on the floor between us. “Because I’m not a fucking man. I knew I didn’t deserve her, so I sabotaged the relationship. I know it’s not an excuse, but that’s the best explanation I have.”

  “You are fucking stupid and not even close to being a man good enough for her,” I growl. “But you know what, thanks to you and your cowardness, she moved back here and I met her.”

  “She deserves someone like you, Kane. I could see it on your face when you came into her apartment. You care about her the way I knew I never could.”

  “Damn right I do, and you coming back here made me question what we had.”

  “I only came back to clear my conscience, I promise. My life has taken an unexpected turn and I’m trying to right my wrongs and be a better person. But please don’t let the fact that she and I have a past dictate your future with her.”

  I laugh. “Thanks for the pep talk, but I wasn’t planning on it. Stop fucking tormenting other people, T.J., and be the man I always believed you were. You aren’t this guy—this pathetic man who leaves a path of destruction everywhere he goes. You were my best friend, the guy I thought would always have my back.” My eyes survey his body, dropping from his face to his toes and back up. “But really, you just turned out to be the man behind me, digging the knife in deeper. You make shitty decisions and hurt others in the process. It’s time to grow the fuck up, T.J.” I shake my head at him before delivering that last bomb of truth. “And know this—you may have had Olivia first, but I will be her last. I will be her fucking everything,” I declare, standing up tall in front of him, looking down on the pitiful shell of man I used to know.

  “Good. Take care of her, Kane. I, uh, need to get going. I have a long drive,” he moves to stand as well so we’re eye-to-eye now, his face clearly showing his embarrassment and disgust in himself. The green of his eyes stare back at me, and in that moment I realize I have to forgive him—not for him, but for me—so I can move on with my life.

  The people we cross paths with in life can either be a blessing or a lesson—and I’m finally realizing T.J. was both for me. He taught me that betrayal from the people closest to us feels like a knife stabbing you in the chest, depleting your lungs of the air necessary to breathe. He dug that knife deeper and twisted it in at a painful angle when I think about how I trusted him and he let me down, wrecking our life-long friendship and my relationship in one fell swoop. He was my best friend, the guy by my side since we were ten—the last fucking person I thought would betray me like he did. I mourned our friendship as if he died—because that’s how final it felt. When I walked in on him and Natasha, it might as well have been a picture of his casket being lowered into the ground.

  But he also gave me a gift—the love of a woman that he disrespected and didn’t appreciate. Regardless of how crazy it is that Olivia and I were connected by T.J.—If he hadn’t cheated on her and messed up yet another relationship in his life, she never would have moved back to Emerson Falls and I never would have met her. His screw up this time ended up being the antidote of my sorrow, the balm to soothe the ache that his disloyalty left in my heart. In a weird and twisted way, he both wrecked me and delivered the cure to my affliction in three years’ time.

  Regardless that he is partly to thank for bringing her here, Olivia is the one that has put me back together, dug her way into my heart, and there is no way I’ll ever let go of her now. She’s my treasure, the other half of my soul, the one person who makes me believe in happiness now, and I need to make things right with her.

  “Take care, Kane. And take care of her too,” he says on a weak smile before turning around and walking out of the door.

  “Do you want me to heat up your food?” The waitress comes by once T.J. has left and I take my seat again.

  “Yeah, thanks. And can I get a slice of chocolate cream pie to go?”

  “Of course,” she smiles and takes my plate, returning a few minutes later with my food and dessert.

  By the time I leave the restaurant, it’s raining outside, the water coming down hard on the asphalt as rivers start to form along the roads. Still lacking food in my house, I make a quick trip to the grocery store to grab the basics, but I never make it fully inside.

  The moment I step foot on the tile through the automatic doors, an orchestra of crickets jumps across the floor right in front of my feet, hopping along to escape the torrential downpour outside.

  And I smile, the kind of smile that you can’t fight because it comes from a place of warmth and pure joy, a knowing feeling that the universe is sending you a sign you’d be stupid to ignore.

  The kind of smile that the cricket-hating woman pulled me in with and then wove her red hair and fiery personality around my heart, bringing me back to life. And I take that as a sign of serendipity.

  I turn right back out of the door, hop back in my truck, and race across town to the woman who hopefully still wants me as much as I need her.

  Chapter 40

  Olivia

  Today was one of the longest days of teaching in my life. My students sensed there was something wrong when they saw me, my face red and my eyes puffy from all the crying I did before I returned to my classroom from my talk with Drew.

  “Miss Walsh, are you okay?” Daisy comes up to me, her wide brown eyes full of worry as I stare down at the young girl who probably hasn’t experienced heartache like mine yet.

  “Yeah, I’m okay, hun. I’m just having a bad day,” I reply on a weak smile and then make my way around her.

  “Did Mr. Garrison make you cry? ‘Cause if he did, we’ll beat him up for you,” she exclaims as murmurs of promise filt
er through the class.

  “What? Why would you think that?” I ask nervously.

  “Come on, Miss Walsh. We all know you two were dating. It was so obvious by the way you made googly eyes at each other every time you saw one another around campus,” she rolls her eyes as the rest of the students giggle and nod in agreement.

  I shake my head and chuckle. I guess Kane and I weren’t as stealth about our relationship as I thought we were.

  “No, Mr. Garrison didn’t make me cry. But relationships are hard and sometimes miscommunication can cause problems and disagreements,” I sigh and attempt to start the class.

  “But are you guys going to be okay?” Daisy begs for reassurance as she cuts me off. “You two are so cute together. The whole school wants you to get married. We even created a hashtag for you on social media,” her wide smile blinds me as her look of hope stares me down.

  “What?” I laugh as the kids start gossiping amongst themselves.

  “Yeah, #WAG and #teacherlove,” she beams and scrolls through her phone, showing me her Twitter feed comprising other students’ messages about Kane and me. There are a few pictures of the two of us near one another—one of us from the pep rally that really seems to be quite popular—with captions guessing what we’re thinking or talking about.

  “What does #WAG stand for?” I ask, sitting on top of the desk next to her as the students talk and I resolve that not much learning will happen today.

  “Walsh and Garrison,” she grins, which makes me do the same.

  “This is really sweet, and also kind of creepy, but I don’t think it’s appropriate to speak about our relationship with students. I appreciate your support though,” I tease commanding the attention of the class and handing out the assignment for the day.

  Listening to the kids talk about how perfect we are for each other just made the ache in my chest magnify throughout the course of the day—because I know we’re perfect for each other. But I have no idea whether that’s enough for us to move past the T.J. twist. Although I know it was important for Trevor to give me an apology, part of me wishes he would have just stayed in California and owned his mistakes, instead of bringing his turmoil here and spreading it around like wildfire. Apparently he’s good at leaving a trail of ash and soot where he’s burned those closest to him.